Anil's Rubbish

I'm definitely ready to date again.  I still want the same things I wanted before: a stable relationship with someone who will make me happy, someone I will eventually marry and have a family with.  My thoughts on marriage have not changed because of what I went through.  I still have those goals.  I'm just in the position of having to start over, and I'm in the fortunate position of having a better idea of who would make me happy. 

For those who are reading this blog, I do expect you to be on the lookout for me now :-)

Recently though, I've learned that just mentioning my divorce can be a liability.  I was talking to someone that I was trying to get to know better, and, in the spirit of being honest and forthright, I had mentioned that my divorce was relatively recent. Needless to say, I was relegated to the "friend zone".  I am a bit disappointed, but not really surprised.

Here's the thing.  People will judge me right away if I mention the divorce, and especially if I mention that it was recent.  I can understand that, because I would have done the same thing if I was in their shoes.  The only way to prove that I'm over my marriage is for them to get to know the real me.  Maybe I'm not 100% over with the hurt, but I'm pretty close.  I still have a few loose ends to deal with, and on some days the bitterness comes back for a few hours.  But I've also already had about six months to deal with everything.  At this point, pretty much everything has been purged from my environment. Pictures have been deleted or removed.  Mementos have been thrown out into the garbage, never to be seen again.  There are no ghosts of my ex-wife in this house, because she never really lived in this house.  I've made this house mine since then. I went through my cancer, and that made me stronger mentally. And I have a great support group that has helped me to deal with all of this and make me realize what kind of person I really am...a good one. 

I know what you're thinking.  Just because I'm writing it in my blog, it proves that I'm not over it.  I am not 100% over the hurt, but writing it in my blog helps me inch closer to that goal.  And I want people to know that I'm pretty much getting there and I'm doing it in a healthy and reasonable way.  I'm still going to do the things that I should do now with my new-found freedom (travel, volunteer, spend time with family/friends, etc.).   

And just because I'm not 100% over it, doesn't mean I'm going to be a hermit.  I can and  should be dating. In fact, I know that the sooner that meeting people that I am interested in, the sooner it is that the hurt just goes away.  However, I'm not going to be that guy that jumps into any relationship immediately, because that could be disastrous.  I will take my time so that it is fair to me and to that other person. 

I guess I'll have to be a bit more aware of what happened to me in my past will be perceived by those who don't know the real me.  I won't lie about it, but I'll probably not be so upfront about it.  It's just unfortunate that this has become my legacy.

It's amazing how much support I've gotten from people.  Even still, I get emails from friends I haven't seen or talk to in a while.  That's just truly awesome. 

During this past weekend, I was at my cousin's engagement party in Houston.  I saw pretty much everyone in the family.  It was great seeing them and we had alot of fun dancing.  It was good to see Amar and Anita happy.  Congrats to them.  Can't wait for the wedding!

Afterwards, we had the usual afterparty.  My cousin's were telling me how much they read my blog.  I know that they are reading this right now.  :-) 

I guess that's why we are who we are.  The Arora's.  That's our family, we support each other.  One person gets sick, we're there.  One person goes through a hard time, we're there for them.  And when one writes meanless dribble on his/her blog, they read it and even say nice things about it.

So to them and to everyone else.  I say thank you for everything. 

Lately, I've let Shruti's recent actions eat up at me and leave me with a taste of bitterness in my mouth.  Even though I've mentioned that things were better, she has done a few things that have basically put everything back to square one.  So, I'm still a bit pissed off about things.  I am still hurt by everything that she did, and her recent behavior reminded me of that.  I'm also pretty mad at myself for letting a person like her bother me so much.  I've had a few people kick my ass and tell me to snap out of it.  I get the message. I'm a better person than she is. Karma will find a way to deal with her.

It'll take a little bit of time.  And there will be times when it'll still bother me, but not as much as it did the day before.  But I will move on from this.  It is what it is, and I accept that.  And I'm not going to let it affect my future relationships.  And from what I've seen already, there are a lot better people out there. 

I know now that maybe it wasn't really my fault after all.  I did the best that I could do, and probably the best that any person could do with a person like her.

This is the last blog entry I will ever mention her again.  Now, I'm officially single again.  I don't have to take care of her.  I don't even have to care about her (which I don't). 

I'm free now.  That's all I have to say. 

Yesterday was the 2008 MUDD Volleyball event, which raises money for the March of Dimes.  The March of Dimes "is a nonprofit organization dedicated to improving the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth and infant mortality."  Our team was organized by one of my fellow kickball teammates. 

For those who've never played MUDD volleyball, it's simply volleyball in knee deep of muddy water.  You basically can't move much, hence why there is eight players per side.  It was such a blast playing out there and getting pretty dirty.  Of course, there was some beers involved as well.  All money going to the March of Dimes, so it is a worthwhile cause.

Pictures coming soon...

In my last blog entry, I mentioned that there was a bit of reluctance to leave Denver.  So, today, I officially took my house off the market.  I'm staying put....for now.

It is a good weight off my shoulders because now I can focus on feeling stable again.  I can focus on doing things in the house that I've been wanting to.  I can now commit myself to meeting new friends in the area.  I've been playing around with the idea of starting a club on Meetup.com to meet fellow Indians in the area.  I can finally get a dog!

I know that my head keeps going back and forth.  But, when I was in Detroit, my parents helped me realize that being alone or bored will happen anywhere I go.  So, I can't use that as a reason to leave.  And, now, Shruti and I do talk in a more cordial way so I'm not too worried about running into her and being all emotional.  So, with that, the only thing that I don't like about Denver is diversity, but I'm willing to see what's up with all that with some meet up groups or something. 

The option to move overseas may still come up next year.  So, I guess I will wait until the opportunity actually materializes before I start thinking of picking up and taking off.  So, I'm staying put for now and will give this place at least one more year.  Got to make the most of it now.

I took a last minute trip last week to Detroit for a few days because the divorce was completed.  I got to hang out with my parents, of course, and my cousin Rohit and his new wife Purvi at the Tigers game, and with my friend Marcus and his family.  I wanted the chance to clear my head on a few things, especially, my future plans.

So, what does that mean?  As part of the settlement, I stated that I was going to sell the house, so the house was put on the market this past Friday for $330k (MLS ID 683978).  I have mixed feelings about this.  I really love this house.  This is the house that I would buy if I was single and I had moved to Denver.  I had alot of plans for this house, and it has already been somewhat decorated to my specifications.  Shruti only spent three weeks in this house, so it's not like this house reminds me of her.  It's just empty because it's just me, so it feels a bit lonely at times.

So, while I was in Detroit, I kept trying to figure out what I want to do.  Do I want to leave Denver or not?  It's a hard choice for me now.  The basic problem is that I don't know where I want to end up.  I don't want to be in California.  I have a long list of complaints that I've accumulated since I moved there in 1999.  Chicago has always been a top choice, but it is flat, and I want to still be able to snowboard while my body can take it.

I guess I feel like there's a bit of unfinished business here.  Denver has alot to offer, and I haven't felt like I've taken advantage of it.  Partly because last year, I was too dependent on Shruti for companionship, earlier this year, I was sick, and now because I haven't committed to living here, I haven't tried hard.  But I've started being a part of a few clubs though Meetup.com, so there are still opportunities to do things and meet new people.  I moved here to also be able to be in the mountains. 

The first big con of being in Denver is the lack of diversity. It's a very white city.  The second con is that Shruti is still here, and I still would feel uncomfortable if I ran into her by accident.

I put myself back into the dating scene full time right after the divorce was settled.  I'm back online on all of those sites. I've suggested to family and friends that they set me up with someone.  I'm not looking to rush into something, but it would be good to get back in the game and possibly meet someone who definitely exceeds my wildest dreams.  It's a bit weird, but it has been six months since Shruti has been around.  Even though the divorce was settled fairly recently, we broke up in March. I can easily say that I'm over her now.

But that doesn't mean that I have forgotten how she broke my heart into a million pieces.  I have not forgiven her for leaving me when I had CANCER. People have been asking me about my previous entry regarding the comment that this had to happen.  Well, I never wanted the divorce in the first place. At the time, I felt like everything could have been resolved.  But looking back at the thing that she did, yeah, divorce had to happen. I deserve much better than what she put me through.  And I'm definitely looking for someone who is much better than her. 

So, that now leaves me back to the original statement, do I want to leave Denver?  I still don't have a clear answer.  I hate to say "no" because a few ago, it was a definite "yes."  I guess I still have a bit of time to decide. 

My friends Bhanu and Ruchi embarked on a 6 month vacation fairly recently.  They plan on travelling to Europe for a little over a month and then spending the rest of the time in India.  I'm totally envious of them taking that much time to travel and not working.  Bhanu will be blogging the travels and setting up links to photos on his website http://www.billionshades.com. 

I started today thinking that by the end of the day, I would be bitching and drinking heavily.  Instead, I finally feel a little bit of closure.

So, today was mediation.  This was meant to come to some settlement on all of the major and minor issues related to the divorce.  Coming in, I thought this was going to be like the movie, Wedding Crashers, where both parties are in the same room yelling at each other.  Instead it was set up so that my and my lawyer were in one room, Shruti and her lawyer were in the other room, and the mediator just shuttled between the two.  Shuttle diplomacy.

In the morning, I had this mindset that I was going to get screwed and that I would have to give Shruti everything.  As I was going through the process, I kinda felt like I was getting slapped in the face because here she is asking for all this money and stuff after all that happened.  I knew I had to treat this as a cost-benefit analysis, but still there was that emotional side to all of this. 

Mediation lasted a good four and a half hours.  In the end, I think that both of us were tired of all of this fighting.  We wanted to just settle.  I just wanted to accept it.  I think that the settlement ended up being fine for all people involved. 

It will mean that I am selling the house and leaving Denver.  That was more my decision that she agreed to.  I don't feel like I am being forced to sell.  More on this in a bit.

At the end of this, we signed the papers.  Because we were able to settle this here, our permanent orders hearing is no longer required.  On Monday, we expect the decree for separation (which also means divorce) to be filed and then the court to rubber stamp it a few days later.  So, by the end of next week, we are no longer considered a married couple.

This whole thing has been one huge weird mess.  She did something that really hurt me and others around me.  In turn, I did stuff that hurt her and others around her.  I knew she read my blog (she confirmed it) and I've written alot of things to try to hurt her, with some success.  I regret that now.  I regret alot of the hurt that happened during the marriage, too.  I know that she does too.  I believe her. 

I guess sometimes it's hard to really know who was really behind all of this mess, Shruti or her lawyer.  Sure, there were some questionable things that had happened that I think that she was responsible for. But I'd like to believe now that Shruti is not the cold-hearted person that I've made her out to be.  There's a reason I married her in the first place.  But in the end, it's her actions that prove the kind of person she is.

I guess it's time to move on. I don't know if we'll ever be friends after this.  I haven't quite figured out if I've forgiven her 100%.

I know I've only been here in Denver for a year and a half and I've experienced some pretty negative things while here.  But I've grown fond of this place.  This place has a lot of the things that I'm looking for, but it's missing some of the things I need.  Even being in this house for only six months, I will miss it alot.  It was everything that I wanted in a house, but, unfortunately, it never became the home like it was supposed to be.  I know that I could have stayed and started a new life myself here.  It's a great place for a fresh start.  And before, I would say that I couldn't be here knowing that Shruti was here.  But that's no longer the case.  Just like the divorce, in the end it's just the right thing to do.  I just have to accept that.

I guess that's that.  On to better things.

I had a follow up with Dr. Chin today at Rose Medical.  This was the first follow up since my last radiation treatment at the beginning of June.  Not much to report other than everything looks pretty much ok.  I'm expected to do another follow up in the next four to six weeks.

I know that a lot of people that care about me read my blog.  I think that's great.  The whole point of this blog is to share what I've been going through with others so that they understand me better.  And sometimes, you find that this could help someone else that goes through the exact same things.

The whole point of this is to just put myself out there.  But my entries are not meant as a cry for help.  Pretty much everything I write on here I've discussed with my therapist or other people.  I think that the blog just lets me vent about whatever I want to.  It also helps get my thoughts in control.  But don't really assume that I'm not getting what I need because I'm writing on this blog.  (I'm not directing this to anyone in particular.)